[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

Toucan: Albanians kidnap Liam Neesons bird

Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in? Customer: No. Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.

How can you tell if a groom is Polish? He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.

If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.

Whenever I walk into a crowded men’s room, I shout So this is where all the dicks hang out!

Lubricant?? … Lubri-CAN!!!

LPT: Never use hyperbole.

After today the rest of the world will get “FOUR MORE YEARS!” without having to hear about the US election.

What’s the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? **SnowBalls!**