The reason I love mushrooms Cause just like mushrooms… I’m a fun guy.

[drive thru] GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you ME: yeah are you guys open

Have you ever eaten a salad, then had a chickpea on your face?

If God wanted me to mow my own lawn, He wouldn’t have given me the ability to earn a postgraduate degree.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is. Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa. Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

What do I have that FC Barcelona doesn’t? A semi

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact* She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

(NSWF) Whats funner than a dead baby A dead baby wearing a clown outfit

Why Cant Girls Count To 70? …..Because 69 is a mouthful

what did the cannibal get when he showed up late to a dinner party A cold shoulder