eer booze and fun!’ ‘Remember an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.

If someone dies from laced cocaine, does the coroner write “devastating blow” on the death certificate?

The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.

what is the hardest part about having a daughter in your early 20’s? Fighting all of those physically fit teenagers when you’re in your late 30’s.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I usually prefer buffets to a la carte restaurants. Someone once asked me if I enjoyed Italian restaurants, and I said, I prefer Italiacan restaurants.

What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him? He got him diss barred.

What did one fish say to another fish after Eve had her first bath? Great, now we smell like woman.