What’s the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist? You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?] so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Two fish are in a tank one turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”

I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for HIV… He said ‘Just calm down and try to think positive.’

My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’

How Do You Get an Elephant Out of the Fairway? You take the F out of Fair and the F out of Way

A dick has a sad life. His hair’s a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor’s an asshole, his bestfriend’s a pussy, and his owner beats him.

what is kurt cobain’s eye color Blue. One blue to left, one blue to the right.

I don’t think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.

Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.