I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.

What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

I just finished a whole stick chap stick without losing it or replacing it. In case any of you women want to know how faithful I am.

Also, to all the people with egg avatars… have you thought about where you’ll hide on Easter yet?

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker… …Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Fewer US schools are selling candy, soda and chips to students After all, that stuff is horrible for pregnancies!

I never understood why vets… aren’t called dogtors.

How many times can look at the sun with a telescope? You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left!

Use ‘discount’ in a sentence. Teacher: Johnny, please use “discount” in a sentence. Johnny: Yes ma’am, “Does discount as a sentence?”

[breakfast in hell] STALIN: Toast is burnt POL POT: Eggs are rotten HITLER: I hate the juice STALIN: Oh here we go HITLER: I said JUICE