I was watching the Cosmos, when Neil Degrasse Tyson related our genes are similar to ones in trees That means that all men have got wood in dem jeans.

I once dated someone with really smelly feet, the smell used to bring tears to my eyes… It was like someone was chopping bunions.

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

ignorance or apathy? I dont know and I dont care

My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it’s for shelf-defense.

My cell phone is so nervous whenever I go to the countryside… …it’s constantly on EDGE.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready! 6YR OLD: what are we having? ME: you’ll like it! trust me! 6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

What do you call the man who proofread Hitler’s speeches? The original grammar Nazi.

What does Pittsburgh have in common with Peter Pan? The Pirates always lose.

What do you say when you see two fetuses making out? “Oh get a womb”