How does the executioner like his coffee? Decap

If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is outside? K9P.

I guess hookers are getting into the holiday spirit. I seen one today advertising pumpkin spice pussy.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but- me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Why are sharts always a surprise? Because you can never see that shit coming.

When grammar nazis correct me, I start to make errors on purpose to mess with them. You can say I’m passive, aggressive.

How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal? handsfree

So a guy calls into work and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m seeing spots.” “Have you seen a doctor?” “No, just the spots.”

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Why do porn scenes use condoms during intercourse, but not during the blowjob and climax? So they can see it coming