Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

How does procrastination start? I’ll tell you tomorrow.

When people ask how I got the latest movies on my computer.. I respond by telling them my lovely bay with hella booty gives them to me.arggg

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

“I’m old.” -everyone over the age of 18

Why type of nut do Wallflowers like? Walnuts

As you take another breath, someone takes their last. Stop complaining; appreciate life.

What do you call a fat, smelly hermaphodite who gives blow jobs under the bridge for a nickel? Well, YOU call her mom.