What do you call lying furniture? Untrustable

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

What’s yellow and can’t swim A bus full of children

I think there’s a better word for underwear… … Butt hat’s none of my business.

what did Obama say to Trump? show me your schlong form birth certificate

On November 9th… Me: “I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she’s ….co-Kaine! Hahah!” Wife: “Trump won.” Me: “Shit…”

What do American beer and sex on a boat have in common? Both are fucking close to water.

Men with itchy butts Have smelly fingers

Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.

[Job interview] “What would you say is your greatest strength?” “Sticking my fingers in people’s mouths.” “Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired”