This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

A guy got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick… Now he can play with his money, watch it grow, and you can’t find a girl who can’t blow a hundred dollars.

Siri, answer all of my toddler’s stupid questions.

I now have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

A Priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar… he orders a drink.

9 guys walk into a gay bar… They don’t come out.

My father once told me, “Son, you’re not an African’t American, You’re an African American’t.” Just kidding. I’m black. I don’t have a father.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? Boneless chicken.

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween? A: Tweets.