Just found out my wife has cooties. I’m headed to the clinic to get tested. So many emotions right now”

Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?

I had a masturbation addiction. I beat it.

If you tickle a billionaire, will he trickle himself?

It may seem like I have my shit together, but honestly I just learned how to spell February correctly.

What Do You Call a Girl Who Doesn’t Do Kegels? A lazy cunt!

Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

implant permanent instagram filters on the cornea of my eyes so everything I see looks nostalgic and vintage

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.