Last night my friend Gavin overdosed on heart burn medicine…… I can’t believe Gaviscon.

Get the sand out your vagina. if you loose a player match and don’t want your rematch bcuz your too pussy, why still try and talk shit xD.

Hey babies, I can do 12 push-ups. Impressed? Doap. Typo, meant babes. Impressed? No? Oh. Well then. Impressed babies?

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Where is the bar tender?”

Way into “Game of Thrones”. Are there any shows that are games of other kinds of chairs?

I’m in favour of same sex marriage That’s mainly because I’ve been having the same sex with my wife for the past 20 years

What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

“Why was the Amish girl excommunicated ? Too Mennonite.” – Hitchens

[gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.