[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds] Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing. Wife: You’re naked. Me: Wife: Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

What was the name of the knight who sat all the way around the Round Table? Sir Cumference.

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy. The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

Please end the Jew jokes. I had a relative that died in a concentration camp. Poor bastard fell right out of the guard tower.

The blonde and the calculator Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn’t find the 10 key.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? It’s ok now, he woke up.

What do you call a cow that’s just had a baby? De-calfinated!

The second best “asm” is “sarc.”

Adam Sandler would have the most kills. His jokes are all dead

Out of? Mom (about her son): Look at these marks Jim has scored… 8.. 10… 7.. Dad: Out of? Mom: Out of pity!