Did you hear the one about the Viking who was reincarnated? He was Bjorn again.

4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil. This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.

The Captain and Tennille are divorcing. Tennille left him after learning he was only a Petty Officer, Third Class.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

What’s the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race.

A British wizard walks into a gay bar… …and disappears with a poof

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.

Thought I saw a fat guy doing a killer air harmonica but it turns out he was just sneezing over and over.

What do women and tornadoes have in common? They scream when they come and take the house when they leave.

Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again