[OC] Did you hear the one about the douchebag bodybuilder with the anal fissure? He’s one ripped asshole.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

Why did Microsoft go straight to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice.. *70 million white women turn around*

What’s worse than nine eleven? 311

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick. ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

How do you save a drowning mouse ? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !

I can’t look my former prostitute partner in the face since someone e-mailed me pics of her in the old days. Never look giffed whores in the mouth.