How many dead whores does it take to change a light bulb? More than three, I still can’t reach it.

I think my children are spoiled I must have left them unrefrigerated for too long before eating them.

My special power is reading about a disease and developing all the related symptoms within an hour.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Why is Nixon a bad chef? Because he is not a cook.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth* *closes mouth* *looks around to see if anyone noticed* *swallows bird* *acts like nothing happened*

Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory? He didn’t like being spoken to in that voice

Britain will be just fine… you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

I dont think anyone flushed the toilet because i dont need to hear all of your shit

I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.