So I was at the bar last night.. and the waitress screamed…”Anyone know CPR?!” I said, “Hell, I know the entire alphabet!” Everyone laughed…except this *one* guy.

Hi! This is my first time in a Fitness Center. How do I start? Personal Trainer: By putting down that Pizza slice!

I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend’s keys and cell phones while they’re at the beach.

Donald Trump, candidate for President, reaffirmed for America that we shouldn’t worry about the size of his genitals. Now that’s classy… With a capital KKK.

Why is a hemiola unfair? Because it’s three against two.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

Did you know that your local graveyard doesn’t allow anyone who lives where you are to be buried there…. ….As they need to be dead first

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work Cop2: Not a bit Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD [both get shot]

What did the magician’s girlfriend say to the magician? I can’t see you anymore.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris’ first visit to Tokyo.