Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.

What is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill? The penguin who pushed him!

Just asking for a friend, if one of your testicles drooped more than the other would you see a doctor?

Have you ever eat a clock? Its very time consuming.

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!” “Sir, this is a library.” *whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

How to serve someone a summons to court 1) Knock on their door 2) Holding a really big check for $1,000,000 3) With a “camera crew” 4) Verify person’s name 5) JK you’ve been served.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was a dog there. It was a shitzu

They say you are what you eat… That’s why I’m a good person

Just a typical interview “What’s your greatest weakness?” “Honesty.” “I don’t really think that’s a weakness.” “I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

Woman next to me at coffee shop just asked a guy who’s farther away to watch her computer for a sec. Devastated.