What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis? Long John Silver First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks

Sarah Jessica Parker’s kid cannot start kindergarten today with all the other children due to a medical condition, he’s a little hoarse.

You make cool foam designs on top of your coffee? Well latte-da.

Why did Sean Connery say he quit his mall Santa job? I got tired of all the kids asking to shit on my lap.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

Had a trip to the Docs I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said “Can u describe the symptoms?” I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

Christopher Walken does one of the top seven Christopher Walken impressions I’ve ever heard.

What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap

How did my operation go Doc? Dr ; What? Dr ; Omg I’ve only got half a colon?