What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion? A portion.

Why did AT&T have the worst wedding? No reception.

Dammit Dad Dad: “Whaddya got there, son?” Son: “Soy milk.” Dad: -pauses- “Hola milk, soy tu padre.”

Women are like condoms They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Spoiler Alert I just watched Fast and Furious the other day, and I just couldn’t get into it because there were too many spoilers.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

How are ISIS like Little Miss Muffet? Because they’ve got Kurds in their way.

I lost my kidneys when I turned 18 My knees are 100% adult now!

What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement? Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part

Whats the hardest part about watching Amy Schumer swim through a pool of dead babies? Knowing she will make a shitty vagina joke about it.