I ran my car into a pole The poor bastard never saw me coming

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.

China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I’m having for lunch.

Mom: Fred there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday and now there’s only one. Why? Fred: I don’t know. It must have been so dark I didn’t see the other one.

My dog and I have two things in common: We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas 🙁

April showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? Pilgrims. What do Pilgrims bring? Smallpox

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Man, 2016 really has killed everybody: In November alone we lost Leonard Cohen, Florence Henderson… …and America.

Vermont’s 4 seasons Vermont has 5 seasons: Almost winter Winter Still winter Mud season Road construction

Now that Gay Marriage is legal in all states I can finally get married as a solid, liquid, or gas.