Hubs: If you could sleep with… Me: THOR!!! Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great. Me: Ohhhh…

I haven’t fapped for seven days… … because that would be too long.

I like the sound of you not talking.

Be the reason they create new laws.

What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria? A map.

Did you hear about the opera singing monk? He took a vow of Pavarotti.

A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

What do you call it when a story has a recurring train theme? A Loco Motif

Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house.

Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.