Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog !

I understand the face situation but you don’t have to be ugly on the inside too

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare] “Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.” “Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Did you hear about the new Obama Healthcare Burrito? You don’t find out whats in it until you pass it…

“Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “The pilot. Let me in”

What’s the difference between a blimp and 1,000 blowjobs? One was a Good Year and one was a great year

I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Are you today’s date? Cause you’re a 10/10. (Friend told me this today)

Santa’s lap isn’t the only place wishes come true.