What do you do if the lights in a Chinese food restaurant are too bright? Dim Sum.

[death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: … Me: it sounded longer in my head.

What did they say to the CEO who raise minimum wage to $70,000? Price is right!

I got so drunk last night I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur

If banks are so worried about people stealing their pens, they should just attach them to a Creed CD

How come oysters never donate to charity? They are all shellfish.

What’s the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren’t necessarily related.

What’s the difference between a club and a strip club? A club has a beat that you can dance to, a strip club has a dance that you can beat to.

I used to date an anaesthetist… She was a local girl. [credit to seeing this on QI]

What has 100 balls and fuck rabbits A shotgun