*sees commercial* “Talk to your kids about drugs before its too late” “Kiddo. Kitchen. Now” – Yeah? “This is oregano. Don’t get ripped off”

I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.

Doctor Doctor, my period wont end! I am so sorry… I think that you have caught feminism

What’s the best was to piss off an archaeologist ? Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it’s from.

Have you heard of this new drug? The DEA just passed a new controversial drug to help treat lesbians with depression. It’s called Tricoxagan.

Just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in the rubbish bin, can’t believe someone would throw that away! Worth 5p that!

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

My wife asked me to hand her a tube of lipstick, but I mistakenly handed her a tube of Super Glue Now she won’t talk to me.

Does the obama phone ring? or does it tell the person calling that they can just assume yes to whatever they were calling about?

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common: 1. Love butter 2. Shy eyes 3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual 4. Brown hair