As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.

What is 6.9? A good time ruined by a period.

How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh!t in it.

What is the difference between brown nosing and butt kissing? Depth Perception!

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

I’m living on the edge. I haven’t backed up in weeks

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

Why do gods eat swiss cheese? Because its holy

What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

Where do Muslim hipsters shop for clothes? Turban Outfitters!