Dad got his son a birthday card A dad got his son a bday card that said “Holey cow! It’s your birthday!” And it had a picture of a cow with holes in it.

Dear lady, $14 is crazy for an airport sandwich but complaining to the counter guy is like telling a cop to pull troops out of Afghanistan.

What do you call an amphibian in hiding? Incognitoad.

“Getting real tired of your crap…” Said no dung beetle ever.

Acid is like a woman. A good one will eat right through your pants.

Holding a friend’s phone for her. Just texted “put a ring on it” to five random male names. Stay tuned.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees” “DAD?!” [next day] “Where you going with that broom handle?” “Checkin for squirrels”

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Don’t save a spot for someone who won’t make an effort to stay.

Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.