When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives? For shits and giggles.

Just yelled “I will strangle you in front of your pets” out of my window to a car that cut me off in traffic on a highway in New Jersey.

Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier’s face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless

Why are ships referred to as “she” A fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap.

I hope the friends that haven’t called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.

I wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.

I had a funny dream last night Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake but when I woke up I found I was asleep.

I actually loved the Twilight: Eclipse movie until I realized I was actually in an alley drunk watching two cats fight over a dead mouse.

Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.