I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion…

[candy store] ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It’s still in… CLERK: Don’t ME: …mint condition.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

My dad said “Always leave them wanting more.” That’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York? Pigpockets.

What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles? Electricity.

Did you hear that HIV isn’t spread by a virus? Yeah, it’s spread by a fun guy

So a seal walks into a club. The end.

[OC] What do you call a suicidal mathematician smoking weed? Hypotenuse

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.