I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold… But now I know it actually means “getting back at somebody”.

Never drink and derive You’ll integrate something you don’t need.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!”

“my son, can I ask why you’re carrying two HUGE crucifixes?” Well father, I’ve been… Double-crossed *God starts breakdancing*

Why did the bear eat his mate? He called her ‘honey’, then got hungry.

I just pretended to be on my phone in the elevator and then my phone rang. I’m going to close up shop emotionally for the day

How many Will Ferrell’s does it take to change a light bulb? One, AND IT’S NOT FUNNY!

A cucumber made a dill with the devil. He’s in quite a pickle now.

What’s another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family.

What did the prostitute catch when she went out with 5 fishermen? … A big red snapper