Be a firefighter they said, Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said, Youre misinformed they said, We’re calling the police they said

Before and After marriage! What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.

What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security.

How does a penman make his living? He charges a calligra-fee of course!

Pinot? I hardly noir.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

What do vegetarian zombies want? Graaaaiiiiinss!

If I exit the bathroom stall singing “Break On Through (To The Other Side)”, it’s best to avoid shaking my hand.

So I guess these Brazillian jokes aren’t happening Neymar?

I don’t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids’ history textbooks.