The ‘M’ in ‘MTV now stands for ‘MISCELLANEOUS’.

Thank god this election is over. …..I almost forgot what real commercials were like.

Putin is really messing with Obama over this Ukraine thing. The last time a Russian beat a black guy this bad Apollo Creed died.

If there’s a sock on my doorknob… It means I’m having sex with the other one.

So I went to a stable for a self confidence boost I found myself surrounded by a bunch of neigh-sayers.

Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock

If some last names were an ancestor’s profession (Baker, Cobbler) How do you explain Dickinson?

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.

What do you call a tractor trailer that can’t keep up with the others? (Self) Semi retarded.