*runs in place* *cracks knuckles* *stretches neck* *takes a deep breath* *heads toward buffet*

What do multiculturalism and the movie Jaws have in common? They both made Americans despise great whites!

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

If you receive an e-mail that says: ”FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS” Don’t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.

Some people complain about it, but I don’t really mind going into work every morning… It’s the 8 hour wait to go home again that pisses me off.

Did you hear about the new Christian online video game? It’s pretty good, but it’s pray2win.

I just broke up with my blind girlfriend. We just didn’t see eye to eye anymore.

A man goes to a house of ill repute on his hundredth birthday He tells the madam, “I’d like a woman.” “Forget it old man, you’ve had it.” “How much do I owe you?”

Why does Santa always have a big sack? He only comes once a year.

A boy goes to the drug store to buy some condoms. ‘Do you want a bag?’, the cashier asks him ‘No’, the boy says, ‘she isn’t *that* ugly’