A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship’s wheel sticking out his crotch. ‘Does that not hurt?’ asks the bartender. To which the pirate replies: ‘Yaarr, it’s driving me nuts!’

What would Bill Cosby’s name be if he was Russian? Vladimir Puddin’

I’m one of those people who thinks different races shouldn’t mix Which is why I don’t participate in triathlons

Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

You are going to lose your license to be a doctor Doctor 1: You are going to lose your Doctoring License Doctor 2: Everyone has slept with their patients one time or another Doctor 1: You’re a vet

Q: Did you know that the three wise men were firemen? A: It says they came from afir (a fire a far).

Arron Hernandez found guilty of first-degree murder He has been sentenced to life in prison without parole. I’m not quite sure how much longer he is going to remain a “tight end”

Alcohol & Fanta If I Drink Alcohol , I m Alcoholic… If I Drink Fanta, M I Fantastic…?