I’m sick of this condescending parrot making fun of the way I talk.

History is his-story, rambled the tumblrina… where are the records of the deeds of women? that is a miss-story

What do you call a gay man’s paradise? A fruitopia.

What is it that is yours , but others use it more than you ? Your name

My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, “How old are you?” I said, “I’m five.” He said, “When I was your age I was six.”

What do you mean dinosaurs didn’t have titties?! *throws my camera on the ground and causes a scene as I leave the museum *

It’s not herpes I burned my lip on a hot sausage.

How does a chef get to work? He woks.

*at an AA meeting* “Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.” *gets aggressively escorted out*

Before the Wright brothers made the first airplane, Chuck Norris had already invented the rocket and flown to Pluto, where he lived for 20 years………naked