A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus.

What are the inhabitants of Crete called? Cretins!

Why did they fire Victoria? Was she keeping secrets? What is Victoria’s Secret?

Me and my girlfriend… Me and my girlfriend watched 6 DVDs back to back last night, fortunately I was the one facing the TV!

What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA? Thrown out of the petting zoo

That’ll do, fellas. I think we’re good on breathy singer-songwriters who sound like they’re creepily whispering rapey stuff in our ears.

I went to www.match.com Better luck on www.ancestry.com

A horse walks into the bar… The bartender asks: “why the long penis”?

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers? To stop it from falling out.

Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.