Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.

Your momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

I like jury duty because it’s a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

Don’t invest in skiing companies The whole sport is going down hill fast

School Joke Principal: “I’ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?” Johnny: “Nothing, sir.” Principal: “Exactly!”

Jesus sits at his last supper *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I’m gonna have to stop you right there

Did you hear about the Asian guy who was so terrible that nobody mourned his death? He was unbereaveable.

I have a joke about Ebola You probably won’t get it

What does Batman use to wash his hair? Conditioner Gordon.