Me: Can I order the conch fritters please? Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k” Me: Okay Bick.

Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time ? Son: Easy. I have two ears!

I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn’t get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren’t dangerous. And I knew how to surf.

There is too much freedom in this country, we need more expensive smart.

What happens when i find a good joke? I reddit.

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait? Obviously not. gg y’all, inbox = rekt

That time of year again. Time to impregnate some chick at the office Christmas party and use my bonus to pay for the abortion. Pff holidays.

They still won’t let me on Shark Tank with my feminine hygiene products with Yo Momma jokes printed on ’em. That shit’s racist.