They say: “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. The problem is, nowadays you can’t tell them apart.

Caitlin Jenner isn’t transgender. She’s trans-Jenner.

it’s a status….not your diary…

Some kid just threw a bottle of milk at me HOW DAIRY! His behaviour was udderly disgusting. It just skimmed my head.

Strange new trend at the office People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

Cookies Two cookies are in an oven. The first cookie says “is it hot in here or is it just me?” The second cookie says “holy shit! A talking cookie”

There are three people in this world… Those who can count, and those you can not.

“I’ll have to report you sir” said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. “You were doing 85 miles an hour.” “Nonsense officer” declared the driver. “I’ve only been in the car for ten minutes.”

I feel really sad for children with cancer and people who still use BlackBerrys.

I don’t need a football game to get drunk and scream at my television.