Darn it A man was walking around his backyard in his stocking feet and stubbed his toe on a rock. His sock exclaimed “I’ll be darned!”

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? There’s whiteout on the screen.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It’s a really obscure number. You’ve probably never heard of it.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

“I will love you forever or until I cum” MEN

How do you get to Matthew McConaughey’s house? A right a right a right

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies

A recently fired stock trader said: “This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!”

A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff I told him ‘you can hide but you can’t run’.