I don’t mind getting the stink-eye when I say, “Happy Whatever Holiday You’re Weirdly Touchy About,” because THAT is the spirit of Whatever.

I watched craps at the casino for over an hour tonight until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.

*Brings pen to sword fight* Guy with sword : What’s that? Me : Tis mightier! *Gets beheaded*

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, “Oh my God, you’ve been smoking. It’s just like licking an ashtray.” “You non-smokers have some funny habits,” I replied.

What’s better than a Kike on a Pike? Two Kikes on a Pike!

Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk? Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.

Hello this is ur pilot speaking We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

What does a blonde have if her brain is the size of a pea. Encephalitis, and possibly a medical miracle.

I’m glad my parents told me I’m adopted But I don’t know why they tell me everday.