What’s another word for a face tattoo? An everlasting jobstopper.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

If you’ve never heard a 9 minute version of “Girl From Ipanema”, then you weren’t just inside my head while my co-worker was talking to me.

My mommy used to warn me that there could be creepy people on the internet. But I’m not afraid anymore… Now that I’m on reddit I’m one of those people.

So sorry… Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say… Unless you’re Chinese, then it’s “squirrel”.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source? They chia’d.

What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas? When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother

My friend firmly believes that he’s a solute I think he’s diluted