Nothing screams “I don’t care about being on time for work” like hopping on Twitter first thing in the morning.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied” -Floss

I’m circumcised but I’m looking to change that. Anyone have any tips?

Ed Hardy makes a wine. Just tasted some. With full-bodied undertones of asshat, its repugnant mouthfeel would pair well with a cheeseball.

I love puppies and kittens and little cute hamsters But not all together. I don’t like my food touching.

What do you call a lost crayon? a Strayola

Did you hear about the guy who died after eating chicken? The meat was fowl.

The Dalai Lama went into a pizza shop.. And asked them to make him one with everything.

If you want to say something “rude” for the person you hate the most: ‘It wouldn’t be worth it to buy your voodoo doll, because i would anyways throw it in a fire right away. it’s money wasting!

How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? None if nobody’s looking.