I just saw a guy with such a big dick he could fuck himself… And all I could think was how he was so full of himself.

Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife meat eggs blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife your eggs or your meat; but you just can’t beat a blow job.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.” -person who invented hand dryers

I am a hiring manager. Before I take a look at all the resumes, I throw the entire top half away. If you’re going to be working for me, you also have to be lucky.

What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses “Dancing With the Stars”? “I was robbed” Sorry, that just came to me like a stroke of idiotic genius and I couldn’t help myself.

First day on the job as a drug dealer… Dealer: I don’t have coke… is Pepsi okay? *gets stabbed*

What does a suicide bomber say when he’s teaching class? Pay attention! I’m only going to show this once.

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”

me: hello darkness my old friend darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name

So my neighbor knocks on my door. So my neighbor knocks on my door at 2:30am last night. 2:30AM!!! Can you believe it?!!? Lucky for him, I was up playing my drums.