I had a near miss on my a flight to Thailand. Well a pre-op Transsexual.

Life hack : Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

4: Where did I come from? Me: Mommy’s belly. 4: How’d I get there? Me: I, uh…put you there? 4: How did you… Me: WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!

What do you called a piano someone pissed in? A peeano.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they’ll just compliment it and then get pissed when it doesn’t screw.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep

A man with pica walks into a bar… …and orders a drink on rocks. Hahahaha! Smart people jokes are the best!

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean