I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.

I lost my virginity. Can’t remember a thing, my pussy hurts and there is a used condom on the floor. Last thing I remember was seeing Bill Cosby in the bar.

What do you call someone who finishes a sentence with you? Partner in crime.

Did you hear the joke about the roof? I would tell you, but it tends to go over people’s heads

My friend said he was a harp.. But he was obviously a lyre.

When a women dates a younger man she’s called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called Defendant.

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge? A snapshot.

Why are Russians such bad pilots? Because they’re always Stalin. Thank you, good night.

My parents are in a fight My dad wanted to go see a lighthearted psychic. My mother wanted to buy some cheerful watercolors. I hope they find a happy medium