My best friend won’t talk to me. It’s because he is a dog.

I’ve just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven’t done a gig yet.

How did the shrimp eat all the fish food? shellfishly

If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we’re in different tax brackets.

How do you call a black man flying a plane ? A pilot.

A waiter walks up to a table of older Jewish folks… A waiter walks up to a table of older Jewish folks while they are eating and asks: “Is ANYTHING alright?”

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

Why can’t you tell Walter White a knock knock joke? Because HE is the one who knocks.

If you say “gullible” slowly it sounds like “oranges” Weird huh?

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial