You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar…….. Wait For It…….. “Ouch”

Which color confuses an idiot? Blue

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

What do midgets and dwarfs have in common? Just a little

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, “After phoning my top advisers, I think I’ll run for office.” And the president said, “I know. I listened in.”

I just think there are a lot more animals out there we could be eating.

What’s grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour ? A jet propelled elephant !

Jokes in English Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine.”