I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums. He was a professional tuna.

Why do NBA players like poultry? Because they love to slam duck!

Chemist have an unpopular view on alcohol… They say it’s a solution.

What is a teenage girl’s best friend? Passive-Aggression

I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he’s got 16 lives.

I dumped my boyfriend with a lazy eye. Turns out he was seeing chicks on the side.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast] Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

A nun goes to the greengrocer, asking for a cucumber. “Get 2” he says. “So you have one to eat”

Why did the robot cross the road? Because it was carbon bonded to the chicken.

Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit? All the pairs of floating eyes