You don’t have to speak bird to know that when they chirp right outside your window they’re asking for you to kill them.

I have a hardcore yeast affection. I love breads and doughs.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

If you message me with thanks, please include what you’re thanking me for. I’ve been counting my money and sniffing my fingers all morning.

Lawyers have feelings too.. …allegedly.

I saw a black guy riding a bike… At first I thought it was mine, then I realized mine is at home, washing the dishes.

A termite walks into a bar… … and says, “Hey, is the bar tender here?”

Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation? To Palm Beach.

When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”

A foot fetishist had a bad experience in bed He got off on the wrong foot